


you make me feel (like i'm alive again)

by Lou87



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Romance, Season/Series 01, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24179356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lou87/pseuds/Lou87
Summary: Jen needs to talk, even if she doesn't want to.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 32
Kudos: 200





	you make me feel (like i'm alive again)

**Author's Note:**

> I've edited this one so many times that I'm not sure it'll get any better. Thanks for all the positive feedback so far.

"Do you, maybe, wanna _talk_ about what you said the other night?"

Judy turns from her place on the couch to face her. She looks comfortable and relaxed, sat close to Jen like she can't bear to be too far apart; there's a glass of chilled white wine in her hand and she glances at Jen with a look of genuine confusion, "Hm?"

And momentarily, Jen considers dropping it altogether, forgetting what she just asked, forgetting what Judy said that night, except...she _can't_. She can't forget it, and she can't forget the chill in her veins when Judy said those words, and she can't ignore the nausea in her stomach that she gets now, even thinking about it.

Jen steels herself; she _needs_ to say this, they _need_ to talk about it, "When you...er...." She takes a deep breath and she looks at her wine glass; she can't look Judy in the face when she says it, "About....that night...when you said you were going to kill yourself,"

She doesn't have to be looking at Judy to know how her happy, relaxed expression would have fallen from her face at the words, how her eyes would now have that cloud of sadness, "Oh," Judy says eventually, "That,"

Jen dares to move her eyes to Judy's face; she looks so fucking _sad_ , so _lost_ that Jen suddenly wishes she could go back in time just fifteen seconds so she could avoid this. But she knows that they can't leave this untouched, Jen knows that _she_ can't let this go by without acknowledging her part.

Jen takes a deep breath, and she feels every muscle in her body tense because she knows the awful truth of what she's thinking, "It's because of what I said isn't it?" She bites the inside of her lip to stop the tears, "It's because I told you to die, to disappear off the face of the planet...isn't it?"

Jen thinks back to those moments, where she had been so fucking angry, full of rage and hatred for Judy's actions, her lies and deceit; but even then, somewhere inside of her, she knew that she hadn't _meant_ it. That if she had a call from the police or a hospital somewhere, asking if she was a friend of Judy Hale, that there was some bad news, she would have been fucking _crushed_.

She manages to look at Judy who's staring intently at the blanket, picking at loose threads; Jen can see tears tracking down her face and her heart fucking _hurts_ , "No, no...I don't know... maybe?" Jen's stomach clenches; Judy just continues to stare at her lap, "I was just so _sad_...I had lost the three most important people in my life...so I thought maybe I could make it better for you, make amends...." Judy finally looks up, meeting her gaze and the tears in Judy's eyes are like a dagger to Jen's body, "A life for a life, you know?"

"No...no... _no_ ," Jen tells her, reaching for Judy's hands that are clasped on her lap and she intertwines their fingers; Judy's hands are so soft and small and Jen can't believe what she almost caused, "Not a life for a life at all, okay?"

"But..."

"But _nothing_ , okay?" Jen plays with the rings on Judy's fingers; she feels the tears on her own cheeks now but she lets them fall, "Fuck Judy....do you have any idea how _devastated_ I would be if you had done that?" She whispers, her voice loaded with emotion, "How devastated our boys would be?"

"I just, I really... I thought that was what you wanted...."

Jen suddenly wraps her arms around Judy who sinks instantly into the embrace, "I'm so _fucking_ sorry Judy," She whispers into her hair, "I'm so fucking sorry,"

She feels Judy's shake her head and the kindness of this woman never ceases to fucking amaze her, "You had every right to say it,"

"I fucking didn't," Jen holds her tighter, "It was a fucking horrible thing for me to say and...I hate myself for it,"

"Don't," Judy's words are muffled from where she's pressed so tightly in Jen's embrace, "I don't hate you, at all," Judy sighs, "I could never. I know you were in a really bad place and sometimes, things get said...."

"I felt really shitty about everything back then and I was angry and hurt but Judy, I never _ever_ meant it..."

"I wouldn't blame you for meaning it," Judy says quietly, "I did an awful thing. I wouldn't blame you if you _still_ meant it..."

Jen pulls back from their hug to look Judy in the face, "God Judy...it would literally fucking _kill_ me if something happened to you, okay?" She pauses for a moment; the thought of Judy not being with her, not being in her life felt like a sick, twisted joke and she closed her eyes for a moment, "I would _not_ get over that...And I'm sorry it's taken me too long to realise it ...but the idea of me? Existing without you?" Jen shakes her head, "Not possible,"

Judy smiles and when Jen's heart warms at the sight, when she feels so fucking grateful that Judy is with her and no-one else, at that moment, right there and then, she _knows_. It's like a puzzle piece slots into place in her mind and now she can take a step back and look at the whole picture and it all suddenly makes _sense_ in a way it hadn't before.

Jen pushes a lock of hair from Judy's face to behind her ear and Judy's eyes close at the touch before fluttering open again. Jen's hand lingers behind her ear, cradling her jaw, lingering gently, "I love you, you know," She says it out of nowhere, the softness of her own voice surprises her, "I really do,"

Judy tilts her head slightly, a watery smile blooms on her lips, "I know," She says quietly, "I love you too,"

Jen's heart pounds inside her chest, "No...I mean....I'm..." She intertwines her fingers with Judy's and keeps her gaze fixed on their joined hands; she's compelled to say it, it's like she can't think of anything _but_ saying it now that she's sure, "I'm _in_ love with you Judy,"

There's a second of silence where Jen wonders if she's fucked everything up spectacularly, yet again.

"How long?" Judy practically whispers and it's the last thing that Jen expects to hear.

She shakes her head, "I honestly don't know," And she can't put a finger on it, when it turned from friendship into something stronger, something that she never thought she would feel again, "...But I know that I am,"

There's a pause that lingers and Jen is a second away from drowning her sorrows with whatever alcohol she can find until Judy squeezes her hand, "Me too,"

Jen looks up in confusion and there's a smile on Judy's face that Jen is sure is only ever for her, "Wh-?"

"I'm in love with you too," Judy says hurriedly, almost like she can't wait to get the words out, to commit them to the air, " _God,_ that feels so good to finally say out loud,"

"Wha-?" Jen pauses, "You _love_ me love me?"

Judy laughs at that, "Yes, I _love_ you love you," Judy shrugs, "I thought you already knew,"

"Uh _no_ ,"

"Oh."

Jen's not sure what to do now, what to say or how to act. She knows what she wants to do, what she's been thinking about doing for so long it's practically a fucking joke, but she's not sure how Judy wants to do, if anythi-

"So, are you going to kiss me or what?" Judy looks up at her through her lashes, biting her lip and Jen knows she's completely done for.

So she does.

xx


End file.
